Mommie Dearest

There was a lunchtime discussion today about balancing work and family after law school as well as “The Opt-Out Revolution”. Apparently the opt-out revolution refers to women leaving or planning to leave their careers after having children.

The organizers of the event played a video with interviews of three women lawyers (two of which were partners) and a man who had his own practice. The women talked about their experience working at a firm and what their life was like. None of the women had actually "opted out" and left their career to become a stay at home mother, and at least one seemed downright selfish and appeared to place her career over being a mother. So much for telling me how to balance family and work. I was struck by the way the first woman interviewed (a partner at Gibson Dunn) never really mentioned that it was important to be around for her child and instead offered a story about her colleague who hired a nanny/chauffeur to make sure someone picked up her kids from school and shuttled them around until the parents came home in the evening.

According to Ms. Partner, kids only have the "baby face" for so long and then they don't need you around as much anymore as they get older. You can always delegate duties like cooking, taking kids to soccer practice, and generally being around to other people. In her world you are successfully juggling a demanding legal career and a family as long as you still squeeze enough time in to have dinner with your kids. It seemed sad to me that she didn’t seem to think she was missing out on being a meaningful part of her kid's life.

Which brings me back to the question that has been nagging me for quite awhile. Can you have it all? Does working for a big firm turn you into mommie dearest or a bad mother?

I tend to think you can't have your cake and eat it too. Sure, picking your kid up from school or taking them to a dance class isn't something that you can't pay other people to do, but I think you miss out on creating and maintaining a strong bond with your child. I believe the concept of "quality time" being better than quantity is just a fiction created to assuage guilt. I think we all want to believe we can have it all and I am starting to think it just isn't possible. Something probably has to give, and in my case that probably means foregoing the big law firm route for something more family friendly.